


The Hobbit: A REALLY Unexpected Journey

by Maximus_Prime



Series: Tolkien [1]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Death, Dwarves, F/M, Fuck This, M/M, Middle Earth, Modern Boy in Middle Earth, Modern Girl in Middle Earth, Orcs, SO, The Valar, This will probably end in elf, Wizards, but its a guy, everybody wins, gimli is legend, i wanna beard, or blonde bearded dwarf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-11-03 18:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17882561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maximus_Prime/pseuds/Maximus_Prime
Summary: Sure The Hobbit is a fantastic film, but do you really want to live it?Because bugger this, I didn't sign up for this shit!!And while beards are cool and now you kinda want one for your self, you are not and will not be spending your time staring at handsome men, no matter how many the Valar throw at you.Yeah, your a dude





	1. Preview

You stare down at the company of dwarven idiots as the only guy with any amount of sense walks away in a long grey bathrobe and a big stick. How he can move in it you don't really know, you'd be tripping over it every other second. Magic. Yeah that's probably it.

It's been three days since you ended up in the realm of middle earth. You don't really know what the Valar want you to fix because their all cryptic and shit, not to mention hella vague.  
One things for sure, you really wanna meet Radagast, he was cool, and relatable, and you really wanna pet the rabbits... also Beorn. That guy, was epic. Fuck the elves though... okay Rivendell was cool, but Mirkwoods a bitch and we all know it.  
You watch as they set up camp. Fucking idiots. To hell with them, go with Bilbo, he might be reasonable.

You proceed to 'fall' off the tree you may or not have been stuck in since this morning.


	2. The World is Shit and Your Stuck Up a Tree (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You end up somewhere you don't want to be and become one with your inner squirrel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did this in the morning before a class on my phone so I apologise if it's weird

You don't really know how this started, but one thing is for sure...I WANNA GET OFF THIS FERRIS WHEEL!!  
Like, come on. How did you get chosen for this?? Your not some Mary, Gary-su wannabe with skills. You don't even remember half the lore behind Tolkien. Not gonna lie, you like Tolkien, but life generally has other plans and and, yes, there are other franchises.  
One can imagine the mass confusion you are dealing with.

Tuning back in with the world you peer around around the grass plains you materialised in thanks to Godly intervention. 

You feel ill.

You know where you are. And you hate it.

It's the old farm at the beginning of the adventure. With the trolls. Oh fuck, this just got real really fast.  
You resist throwing up and squirrelly look around you at go for the closest tree. You are by no means athletic of good at sports. But with fear, adrenaline and pure youth on your side you take a running jump in the few seconds to takes to gazelle your way over it and climb it like the mortally aware, bushy tailed being that you are.  
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope-

You get to the first branches with out falling, miraculously. You worm your way up and slow to a stop when your half way. Shit! Don't look down or you'll loose ya lunch.

The emotional rush fades, but your safe in this tall tree, really tired all of a sudden, but safe.


	3. The World is Shit and Your Stuck Up a Tree (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get on track and your stuck in a tree.

You wake up feeling ill. Ugh why is the bed so lumpy? Damn it's cold. Did you leave a window open?

...........Why do you feel weightless?

You open your eyes.

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT-

Past events come crashing down in your mind like you might be if it wasn't for the fact your shirt and get and miraculously been hooked on the tree branch. You wanna throw up again. Well this is a technical difficulty. erh. 

You pear around you and don't really see anything. It's as quiet as it was this morning. Your NOT comforted by this. There aren't even that many bird noises, that's bad news. You don't really want to be in the tree because, yikes.

You glance up at the cloudy sky and see that the sun is on the other side of said sky. Well your day is blown. Slept it away. Volunteered or not. You watch the sky a bit longer and and look away when you hear muffled noise of someone talking. Please don't be trolls.

Ah, news! They aren't trolls! They're a company of idiot dwarves, an agitated wizard and a befuddled hobbit. Joy.

You can hear the distinct sound of arguing.

Your under the impression that here is where the Valar want you to start. You release a deep sigh.

You stare down at the company of dwarven idiots as the only guy with any amount of sense walks away in a long grey bathrobe and a big stick. How he can move in it you don't really know, you'd be tripping over it every other second. Magic. Yeah that's probably it.

It's been three days since you ended up in the realm of middle earth. You don't really know what the Valar want you to fix because their all cryptic and shit, not to mention hella vague.  
One things for sure, you really wanna meet Radagast, he was cool, and relatable, and you really wanna pet the rabbits... also Beorn. That guy, was epic. Fuck the elves though... okay Rivendell was cool, but Mirkwoods a bitch and we all know it.  
You watch as they set up camp. Fucking idiots. To hell with them, go with Bilbo, he might be reasonable.

You proceed to 'fall' off the tree you may or not have been stuck in since this morning.


	4. In which You Gandalf, Gandalf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ball starts rolling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to befuddle a wizard

Surprisingly no one heard you fall out a tree. Well, they probably did, but you had barrel rolled away and thanks to the magical powers that are adrenaline and the 'fuck this shit I'm out' mind set.  
So yeah, here you are, sitting in a bush a good ten minutes away.

You listen to some disgruntled mumbling as it draws by. You suppose you would be more worried, but you know who it is.

Gandalf

Moving from your bush to sit and a rock by it and watch bemused because your no longer the only one here in a bad mood. You view him with thinly veiled mirth as he looks up to spot you.

Clocking your head to the side in a tired fashion you wave a lazy hand at him in greeting.

"Sup?"

He looks down at you with a vague expression like he can't decide if he's mad at you or just doesn't care, probably still sulking about Thorins man-child ways.

You'd figured since the Valar and all their 'divine wisdom' had sent you here and you'll likely never get out of here until you got the job done in your own problematic way. What can you say? You just want to go back to you bed, phone, books and internet. Simple dude, simple needs. Besides crazy mayhem as it maybe to stick to the protagonists you don't wanna die or get stuck somewhere.  
You've seen enough movies and fanfics that screwing up the time line is a very bad idea.

Gandalf seemed to have pulled himself together and with a friendlier expression than before though confused by your choices of wording.

"Good evening, young man"

Ah, and so it starts.

"Is it?" You respond an eyebrow raised "Do you wish me a good evening, or mean that it is a good evening whether I want it or not, or that you feel good this evening, or that it is a evening to be good on?

You watch with a badly hidden grin at his face, yeah, you went there, your gonna go all fucking over.

"Though" You continued "I wouldn't be one to judge so easily if I were you. You may want to look behind"

Not waiting for a response, but slow enough to hear Gandalf The Grey splutter at your words.

Time to do something stupid


End file.
